I’ve told the universe what I do want, so why is it going wrong again? This guy went from super hot to super not. His initial enthusiasm has curdled into this jerk-ish attitude I can’t stand. I keep telling him I don’t feel good about this. His response: “I don’t think we have a problem, everything’s fine.”
What’s a girl to do? How do I shift my point of attraction from jerks to marriage material? I’m mad at him, at myself, and at the fact that I’ve created the same mess again. How do you learn to tell men apart? And why is it so hard to let him go when I know he’s wrong for me? With people in general, I’m great at sensing who fits me. But with love? I seem to attract exactly what I don’t want — like I’m incapable of meeting a normal guy.
Reply: First of all, what exactly do you mean by “I keep telling him I don’t feel good about this”? Why are you still within earshot of this man? And why has the situation been allowed to escalated to the point where you’re this irritated?
Your story is a textbook example of trying to patch over an inner misalignment with outer action — reprimands, complaints and “setting him straight.” As you have noticed, it doesn’t work.
Here’s the core misunderstanding: “I’ve told the universe what I do want.” You don’t manifest with words. You manifest with whatever you keep active in your vibration. If you’re focused on what you don’t want, you’re still feeding it. And that’s fine — as long as you quickly pivot to what the contrast has clarified for you: the relationship you do want.
But you haven’t pivoted, have you? You’re still tuned in to this guy’s bad behavior and your supposed bad luck. Attention is fertilizer. Whatever you water grows — courtesy of the Law of Attraction. The exact words coming out of your mouth are irrelevant. Your perception = your reality.
Let’s proceed to something that works.
1. Stop telling the story of “this guy” and “I always attract the wrong men.” Now. That doesn’t mean you’re suddenly okay with lies, infidelity, and bad behavior. It means you stop focusing on them, and in doing so, you stop upholding of an attraction point that makes you a living target for them.
Stop explaining, apologizing, blaming (both yourself and others), and analyzing the situation. Stop justifying why you need a better man and stop presenting evidence to prove that you’re right in your criticism of the current situation. Just. Let. It. Go.
2. Start identifying with your real truth. No matter what’s happened before — or who might be lying next to you as you read this — here’s your standard:
“My men are confident, honest, caring, romantic, and proud to have me as their partner.”
If you have the slightest issue feeling worthy of such a partner, stay tuned for my upcoming guide on good self-esteem. It will help you stop being scared of actually getting what you want.
3. Change your view of men. There is only one reason why you stay and try to bend over backward for a guy who displays clear signs of dysfunction: deep down, you believe that all men are more or less flawed and that it’s impossible to find someone who would be exactly what you desire right out of the box. You also believe that it’s unnatural for men to be romantic and interested in a serious, monogamous relationship, and that you, therefore, have to “work on them” a bit before they start seeing things from your perspective and give you the reward. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It doesn’t matter how you came to believe men are complicated or how long you’ve believed it. What matters is that you can change that perspective now. Yes, shifting a belief can feel tricky — especially if you’ve collected a museum’s worth of “evidence” to back it up — but don’t let that discourage you. There are plenty of positive role models who can reinforce your belief that high-quality relationships with men are not only possible but also common. I’ll offer some inspiration at the end of this text, but for now, let me just say this: don’t be too hard on yourself. No one quantum leaps from frogs to Prince Charming overnight. Looking back, I can see my own early relationships had elements I’d never tolerate today. But those experiences are exactly what helped me develop the quality that later brought me incredible success in love: self-respect.
WHAT THE CRUX OF THE MATTER ACTUALLY IS:
It’s not the perception that the guy likes his ex more than you that hurts, it’s the perception of yourself as inadequate. This is excellent news, because you have full control over yourself. Someone could insult you to your face, but if you don’t buy into it, it can’t hurt you. But how do you do that? How can you not care about other’s opinions? By being your own authority. And to be that, you must have great self-respect.
Treat yourself as you want to be treated
You can easily list every boundary a man should respect, but you completely forget to set boundaries for how you treat yourself. What you’re missing isn’t their respect — it’s your own. But I admit, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to blame the other person, if nothing else, with the justification: if you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have to notice that I treat myself disrespectfully. 😉
Self-respect means that the person you primarily aim to please, have a good relationship with, and impress is yourself. You have a personal policy you generally stick to, but you’re also not hard on yourself if you happen to stray. Keep in mind that the details of your policy aren’t the point. What matters is that your choices align with your own values — not someone else’s!
HOW IT WORKS IN PRACTICE
Essentially by you running your decisions through a quality control filter. For example: “Will I respect myself if I go to his place now, even though he’s calling at midnight?” The answer may be no, so refrain from going and don’t feel the need for him to approve of this decision. The answer could also be yes, with the reasoning of “I feel like having sex now.” That’s fine as well, just don’t forget this afterward and start criticizing yourself for jumping into bed with a guy who’s not fully committed. You didn’t go there to get married; you went because you wanted to have sex. → You acted logically and in line with what YOU wanted (the fact that it happened to align with his desires is just a bonus). → You have every reason to respect yourself.
Other self-check questions could be: Is it beneath my dignity to yearn for a man who acts disengaged? Is it acceptable for me to engage in a demeaning conversation where I have to convince the guy to respect me? Should I force myself to continue seeing him despite realizing that he doesn’t meet my standards? Is it flattering to my self-image to view my exes as losers, or is it perhaps more like: we were together as long as I found something positive in the relationship, and for that, I’m grateful?
Please note the last question! When you respect yourself, you respect everything and everyone you associate with. The saying “if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all (and don’t post it on Facebook either)” holds true. Well-meaning but ignorant friends may have consoled you with phrases like “he’s an idiot”, but taking too much comfort in that idea isn’t really to your advantage. At “best” it suggests that you have no control whatsoever over who enters your life. At worst it implies that you are completely incompetent and act irrationally — you picked an idiot to date. There’s no need to accept such an undignified role.
Even the shortest relationship had something good in it — otherwise, you wouldn’t have been attracted in the first place. In your case, he was “eager and passionate” in the beginning. Why ignore that? Isolate the moment when you were both in harmony, and appreciate it. It’s exactly this kind of appreciative, positively focused attitude that leads to a life filled with increasingly more, longer, and happier connections.
My point is: stop being so hard on yourself. Regret nothing, but always strive for an even better future!
How to date like a pro
Choosing men is like choosing puppies: you want the lively, bright-eyed one with a glossy coat — the one who drops the ball at your feet, convinced you love to play just as much as he does. You don’t want the one with the cloudy gaze, twitchy nerves, afraid of his own shadow… or the one lying apathetically in the corner.
When I meet new men, every second of the date is an interview. I’m quietly observing what he highlight about himself, how he behaves, how he reacts to the environment, how he treats others, the topics he chooses to discuss, what he notices about me, and so on. Is his conversation upbeat or downcast? What dominates his thoughts? How does it feel?
I’m not trying to steer him in the “right” direction. I just watch. Either I like what I see and stay, or I don’t and choose not to meet him again. In the latter scenario, I try to forget the whole thing as soon as possible. I avoid dwelling on his flaws and justifying why it’s okay for me to dislike them — because focusing on the negatives activates their vibration within me, making me compatible with exactly what I say I don’t want to experience again.
The desired qualities in a partner are a matter of personal taste; there is no right or wrong. But there is one trait that should top everyone’s list: GOOD SELF-ESTEEM.
I want my partners to have humor, social skills, intelligence, financial independence, an attractive appearance, and to be compatible with me in terms of values and lifestyle. But I’d walk out mid-date if they lacked self-esteem. A person not in harmony with themselves simply can’t love someone else. No matter how many other boxes they tick, they’re not partner material.
There’s another reason I stay alert on dates: I’m looking for something to latch on to. Not in a “red flag inspection” way — but quite the opposite. I’m searching for positive traits to get impressed by. If I can genuinely feel, “This man is wonderful,” then for me, he can’t be anything but that. Perception creates reality. So, in essence, I’m actually interviewing myself. Can I find plenty to admire and appreciate about this person? If yes, then we’re set for a fantastic relationship. If I’m indifferent, hesitant, or turned off, then it’s goodbye.
There are no perfect people; each individual is only as perfect as we perceive them. But this doesn’t mean you should force yourself to love “challenging” cases. Pick someone who already has many of the traits you value, then let your appreciation do the rest. You won’t be disappointed.
A Scarcity mentality is your worst enemy
If you turn on the TV and land in the middle of a boring movie, do you force yourself to watch it to the end? Or do you instantly switch to something better and forget the first one existed? The same philosophy applies to… well, most things. If I met the guy you’re describing, I’d be out the door before my coffee cooled. Moving forward with someone I’m not into is like beating a dead horse — lots of work, no reward. (That doesn’t mean I’d regret the time before I spotted the red flags. If I enjoyed it then, it was worth it.)
This reaction becomes automatic once you see the high quality that becomes available to you as soon as you stop treating mediocre relationships as “good enough.” There’s no greater shortage of suitable romantic partners than there is of good movies.
The universe can deliver your order anywhere. For example, you might very well meet your dream guy in a bar. But if you, like many others, associate bars with encounters of a different kind, don’t make things harder for yourself than they need to be. Seek out environments and situations where you’d be less surprised to run into the right person. And remember — fishing in the “right” waters won’t help if your mind is still swimming in low expectations. It is YOUR attitude that sets the stage for who you meet. And here’s what it looks like when you’re surrounded by the right men but not aligned with your own desires:
To take this a step further, I’d venture to say that if you’re truly in tune with your ideals, it almost doesn’t matter who you’re dealing with. People are multi-layered, and have wider character spectrums than any single observer can grasp. Let me give you a concrete example of how differently a person can behave based on the expectations influencing him:
One night early in our friendship, we went to a restaurant. At coat check, we both reached for the ticket. “I’ll hold it,” X quipped, “you’ll just lose it.” I didn’t take this personally (had I had the same experiences as him, I’d probably feel the same). I did, however, suggest that our coats would be hung on separate hangers, so I wouldn’t have to wait if he got stuck in some skirt at the bar and wasn’t ready to leave when I was. X gave me a you’re being soo difficult-look and said it was fine, I could take the shared ticket.
Three hours later, it was time to move on. I reached into my bag, pulled the ticket from its usual spot, and handed it over. Ten seconds later, we had both coats. X wouldn’t stop raving about how smoothly it went all the way to our next stop! 😂
Once there, we partied on and then decided going to yet another venue. Fine by me, but first I wanted to swing by my place and grab some makeup and other essentials. I held out my hand for cab fare and guess what he handed me — his credit card! Yep, the same guy who believes that women aren’t smarter than an average chicken, barely able to keep track of a coat check ticket, had no issues with me taking off with his Amex!
What’s the takeaway here? You’re treated according to YOUR OWN self-perception, regardless of the stereotypes or assumptions tied to your gender, race, religion, social class, hair color, or whatever else.
My personal view on men and relationships
I know nothing convinces like personal experience, but I still want you to be 100% certain that your dream relationship can become your reality. The moment you see yourself as a high-quality woman, you’ll find yourself surrounded by high-quality men — including that one who will feels like he’s custom made for you. I’m so confident in this that even when I’m single, I still feel loved and desired. Which is probably why I’m rarely single for long, and when I am, I still “happen” to meet men who treat me like a princess and back my ambitions. Even my exes have made it a point to ensure our breakup was as smooth as possible, both emotionally and financially.
What did I do to deserve such privilege? Nothing — in the active sense of the word. I have never demanded, criticized, threatened, or manipulated to get something from my partner. I’ve simply been myself — someone I believe is attractive, intelligent, and pleasant to be around. And it just feels natural to be treated like the lovable being I am.
I also have deep appreciation for men and I love spoiling them just as much as they spoil me. Being best friends is essential, but I never forget that I’m the woman in the relationship. Life would be so dull if we didn’t embrace and celebrate our own gender by contrasting with our partner. It’s in my nature to be playful and spontaneous, to embrace receiving and to cherish the beauty of everything around me. Men can absolutely have these traits too — but male energy leans more towards assertiveness, taking the lead, providing, and protecting. When these complementary energies come together, there’s a harmonious balance that creates a dynamic and fulfilling relationship. I love being a real woman. And that’s exactly why I attract men who love being real men.
But here’s the paradox: beneath the surface, we’re all the same. The masculine–feminine contrasts exist just to make the game more fun. We may express ourselves differently, but at our core, we’re driven by the same thing: LOVE. That’s why I stressed earlier — don’t treat men as if they were another species. They are far more like you than you might think. Your only job is to find something to appreciate. When you’re in harmony with yourself, you attract others who are in harmony with themselves. The relationship experience between two people operating at that high frequency doesn’t just add up — it multiplies. It’s 1 + 1 = something much greater. We’re talking soul-level resonance. And if that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is. 😊
