Question: First off, I have to say I’m so thrilled to have found your blog. It’s such a source of inspiration, you make me want to be a better version of myself! But that’s actually what I have a question about. When you’re working toward becoming the person you want to be, how do you deal with the person you’ve been? What if you’ve done things or acted in ways that you regret and feel ashamed of, how do you move past that? I want to move forward because I’m not satisfied with who I’ve been and, to some extent, who I still am, but the shame over my old self keeps holding me back. I almost feel like giving up, thinking that people will never see the “new” me and will always remember the old, “bad” me. How do you accept and let go of the past? How do you deal with the fear that it might be too late to change?
Reply: The first thing you need to do is understand the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is counterproductive; it chains you to the problem and doesn’t allow for any positive growth. Guilt, on the other hand, means taking responsibility for what you’ve done, making amends as best you can, and avoiding repeating the same mistakes.
Taking responsibility doesn’t always mean seeking out people you’ve wronged and offering apologies. It’s primarily about forgiving yourself. Doing so grants you the freedom and strength to live in accordance with the person you want to be today, and as a result, those around you will also benefit from your positive energy. Correcting past mistakes is neither possible nor necessary. You don’t live in the past; you live NOW. So it’s NOW that you have the choice to live a more harmonious life or not.
Forgiving yourself becomes easier when you realize that there were good reasons for acting the way you did. All decisions we make are, in fact, perfect given the knowledge, level of maturity, and situation we have at that particular moment. Otherwise, we would make different choices. Therefore, there’s no logical reason to regret anything we’ve done.
Another aspect of forgiveness is to consider the bigger picture. Just as in the gym, where customers aren’t “spared” from physical exertion, we sometimes need “personal trainers” in other aspects of life as well — people who present us with challenges and in doing so, allow us to recognize and tap into our own strength. Generally, such people are considered “bad,” but on a higher level, they contribute at least as much benefit as others. Now, I’m not saying we should deliberately cause others pain, but if we, due to our own imbalance, have done so, we must accept that even this served a purpose.
The only deadly sin you can commit is not loving yourself. There is no “new you.” You’re the same person you’ve always been and always will be. That person is perfect and deserving of your unconditional love. What’s new is that you have evolved to a point where certain behaviors that once served a function now make you uncomfortable. Change them and contribute to your surroundings in a way that feels right for you today.
Now let’s address the simplest part of your problem, the one about how others perceive you. The truth is that the world reflects back your own opinions. You therefore have the power to define your own worth. When you have forgiven yourself, you automatically stop punishing yourself by allowing others to treat you poorly. Realize that no one benefits from your suffering; start respecting yourself and accept nothing less from others. Those who want to hang out with you will have no choice but to meet your expectations.
I also think you should take it a step further.
A colorful past is perfect for building your personal brand. Would you really want to be someone who’s led a life devoid of challenges? Personally, I’m much more interested in spending time with people who have been through hell and high water and gained valuable life experience. They often have much more depth than those who have led mediocre and proper lives. And I’m not alone. Most people are fascinated by individuals with complicated life stories — if those are presented the right way. The secret is to reveal spicy details with pride instead of apologizing for parts of yourself. It’s entirely possible to criticize past behavior while also being extremely proud of it.
So, package your past beautifully and turn it into a competitive advantage that “boring” people lack. Along with admiration, you’ll also gain the privilege of supporting and helping others who are in the same situation you once were (speaking of repaying debts…) Remember: you can’t change the past, but you are writing your new history in this very moment. The first day of your future past is today! Go ahead, create now what you would like to look back on in the future.
PS. I myself haven’t been a saint in my past, and I’m not one now either. However, regretting what I have or haven’t done isn’t my cup of tea. Yes, there are things that I theoretically consider immoral and wrong, but I still allow them to be a part of me out of pure selfishness, knowing that nature always maintains perfect balance and ensures that everyone gets what they need, regardless of anyone else. This philosophy helps me humbly accept the consequences of my choices, while always striving to make the best of them. Works like a charm. 🙂
