What’s a girl to do? How do you completely shift your attraction point from jerk to marriage material? I’m mad at him, at myself, and at having created the same mess again. How do you learn to tell men apart? And why is it so hard to let him go, even though I know he’s not right and I wish for something completely different? When it comes to people in general, I’m good at sensing who fits me, but when it comes to love, I always attract what I don’t want – it’s like I’m unable to meet a normal guy…
Reply: First of all, what do you mean by “I’ve told him I’m not feeling good?” Why are you still in a proximity where he can hear what you say? And why has the situation been allowed to escalated to the point where you’ve become this irritated?
Your story is a great example of how we, through physical actions (reprimands and complaints), try to compensate for mental misalignment with our ideals. As you have noticed, it’s impossible. Here’s the misunderstanding in a nutshell: “I have told the universe what I don’t want.” You don’t wish with words, you wish with what you hold active in your vibration. When you express what you don’t want, you give attention to the undesirable. And that’s fine — if you then proceed to focus on what the contrast has made you wish for: a happy relationship with a quality man. But you haven’t done that, have you? You still focus on the guy being a jerk and you being unable to find someone good. What you pay attention to grows bigger, courtesy of the Law of Attraction. The words your lips form are completely irrelevant. Your perception = your reality.
1. The first thing you need to do is stop telling the story about your current guy and also the story of “I always attract the wrong men.” Right away. This doesn’t mean that you suddenly become a supporter of lies, infidelity, and bad behavior. It means that you have stopped focusing on lies, infidelity, and bad behavior, thus ending the upholding of an attraction point that makes you a living target for them.
Stop explaining, apologizing, blaming (both yourself and others), and analyzing the situation. Stop justifying why you need a better man and stop presenting evidence to prove that you’re right in your criticism of the current situation. Just. Let. Go. Of. Everything.
2. The second thing you should do is start identifying with your real truth. Regardless of what has happened before and what might be lying next to you in bed as you read this, here is your standard:
“My men are confident, honest, caring, romantic, and proud to have me as their partner.”
If you have the slightest issue feeling worthy of such an amazing and normal partner, stay tuned for my upcoming guide on good self-esteem. It will help you stop being afraid of actually getting what you want.
3. The third thing you should do is change your view on men. There is only one reason why you stay and try to bend over backward for a guy who displays clear signs of imbalance: deep down, you believe that all men are more or less flawed and that it’s impossible to find someone who would be exactly what you desire right out of the box. You also believe that it’s unnatural for men to be romantic and interested in a serious, monogamous relationship, and that you, therefore, have to “work on them” a bit before they start seeing things from your perspective and give you the reward. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It doesn’t really matter how you came to believe that men are complicated, or how long you’ve held that viewpoint. What’s important is that you can change that perspective NOW. Yes, it may feel challenging to shift beliefs, especially if you’ve collected a lot of evidence to support them, but don’t let that hold you back. There are plenty of positive role models out there who can reinforce your belief that high-quality relationships with men are not only possible but also common. I’ll offer some inspiration at the end of this text, but for now, let me just say: don’t be too hard on yourself. No one can quantum leap from frogs to Prince Charming overnight. Looking back at my relationship history, I can acknowledge that some of my early experiences also included things that feel totally unacceptable today. But it’s precisely because of those experiences that I’ve been able to develop a quality that has brought me incredible success in my love life: self-respect.
WHAT THE CRUX OF THE MATTER ACTUALLY IS:
It’s not the observation that the guy likes his ex more than you that hurts, it’s the observation of yourself as inadequate. This is excellent news because you have full control over yourself. Someone can insult you to your face — if you don’t feel insulted, then you aren’t.
But how can you avoid feeling insulted? By being your own authority. And to be that, you must have great self-respect.
Treat yourself as you want to be treated
You can easily point out where the boundaries of the guy’s behavior should be, but you completely forget to set boundaries for what you do to yourself. It’s your self-respect that you lack, not the respect of men towards you. But I admit, in the heat of the moment, it’s very easy to blame the other party, if nothing else, with the justification: if you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have to notice that I treat myself disrespectfully. 😉
Self-respect means that the person you primarily aim to please, have a good relationship with, and impress is yourself. You have a policy that you generally don’t deviate from, but you’re also not hard on yourself if you happen to stray. Keep in mind that the specifics of your policy aren’t what’s important; what matters is that your choices align with your own values, not anyone else’s!
So, how does this work in practice then? By essentially running your decisions through a quality control filter. For example: “Will I respect myself if I go to his place now, when he’s calling in the middle of the night?” The answer may be no, so refrain from going and don’t feel obligated to explain. The answer could also be yes, with the reasoning of “I feel like having sex now”. That’s fine as well, just don’t forget this afterward and start criticizing yourself for jumping into bed with a guy who’s not fully committed. You didn’t go there to get married; you went because you wanted to have sex. → You acted logically and in line with what YOU wanted (the fact that it happened to align with his desires is just a bonus). → You have every reason to respect yourself.
Other self-check questions could be: Is it beneath my dignity to yearn for a man who acts disengaged? Is it acceptable for me to engage in a demeaning conversation where I have to convince the guy to respect me? Should I force myself to continue seeing him despite realizing that he doesn’t meet my standards? Is it flattering to my self-image to view my exes as losers, or is it perhaps more like: we were together as long as I found something positive in the relationship, and for that, I’m grateful?
Please note the last question! When you respect yourself, you respect everything and everyone you associate with. The saying “if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all (and don’t post it on Facebook either)” holds true. Well-meaning but ignorant friends may have consoled you with phrases like “he’s an idiot”, but taking too much comfort in that idea isn’t really to your advantage. At “best” it suggests that you have no control whatsoever over who enters your life. At worst it implies that you are completely incompetent and act irrationally — you picked an idiot to date. There’s no need to tarnish your reputation by accepting such an undignified role.
Even the shortest relationship had something good about it, because there was a reason you were attracted to the person. In your case, he was “eager and passionate”. Why are you ignoring this? Isolate the moment when you were both in harmony with yourselves and each other, and feel appreciation for that. It’s exactly this kind of appreciative, positively focused attitude that leads to a life filled with increasingly more, longer, and better interactions with other people.
Regret nothing, but always strive for an even better future!
How to date like a pro
Choosing men is done in the same way as choosing puppies. You want the lively, energetic one with a shiny coat who eagerly drops the ball at your feet, convinced that you love to play just as much as he does. You don’t want the one with a cloudy gaze, nipping at itself with jerky movements, the one that’s afraid of its own shadow, or the one lying apathetically in a corner.
When I meet new men, every second of the date is an interview. I observe what he emphasizes about himself, how he behaves, how he responds to the environment, how he treats others, the topics he chooses to discuss, what he notices about me, and so on. Is his conversation upbeat or downcast? What dominates his thoughts? How does it feel?
I don’t attempt to guide him in the “right” direction; I simply observe him. Either I like what I see and stay, or I don’t and choose not to meet him again. In the latter scenario, I try to forget the whole thing as soon as possible. I avoid dwelling on his flaws and justifying why it’s okay for me to dislike them. This is because focusing on the negatives activates their vibration within me, making me compatible with exactly what I say I don’t want to experience again.
The desired qualities in a partner are a matter of personal taste; there is no right or wrong. However, there is one essential trait that everyone should place at the top of their list.
For example, I personally want my partners to have a sense of humor, social skills, an attractive appearance, intelligence, financial independence, and to be compatible with me in terms of values and lifestyle. All of this is important, yet I’d turn on my heel and leave if they lack the last and most essential quality: GOOD SELF-ESTEEM. An person not in harmony with themselves lacks the capacity to love someone else. Regardless of any other appealing attributes they might possess, they are unsuitable as a partner.
There’s an additional reason why I pay extra attention during dates: I’m on the lookout for something to latch onto. Haha, it’s not as bad as it sounds. I’m searching for positive traits to get impressed by. This is because I know: if I can get myself into the mindset of “this man is wonderful,” he can’t be anything but that for me. In essence, I’m actually interviewing myself. Can I find lots of things to admire and appreciate about this person? If yes, then we’re set for a fantastic relationship. If I’m indifferent, hesitant, or turned off, then it’s goodbye.
There are no perfect people; each individual is only as perfect as you perceive them to be. This doesn’t mean you should force yourself to try loving “challenging” cases. Choose someone who possesses many of the qualities you desire, and then shower them with your appreciation. You won’t be disappointed!
A Scarcity mentality is your worst enemy
If you turn on the TV and find yourself in the middle of a movie that seems boring, do you force yourself to watch it to the end? Or do you instantly switch to something else and put the previous movie out of your mind? The same philosophy applies to… well, most things. If I met the guy you’re describing, I’d be out the door before my coffee cooled. Going forward with someone I’m not into is like beating a dead horse: lots of work for absolutely no benefit. (However, I wouldn’t regret the time before I became aware of his shortcomings; since I enjoyed it.)
This reaction only comes naturally when you know the high quality that’s available to you as soon as you stop seeing mediocre relationships as an option. There’s no greater shortage of suitable romantic partners than there is of different movies. I promise you’ll see this for yourself soon enough.
The universe can deliver your order anywhere; for example, you might very well meet your caring, romantic dream guy at a bar. But if you, like many others, associate bars with encounters of a different kind, don’t make things harder for yourself than they need to be. Seek out environments and situations where you’d be less surprised to run into the right person. Conversely, it doesn’t help to hunt in areas that seem filled with suitable candidates if your mind is filled with negative beliefs and low expectations. It is YOUR attitude that sets the foundation for who you meet, and this is what it looks like when you’re fishing in waters full of the right men without aligning with your desired outcome:
To take this a step further, I’d venture to say that if you’re truly in tune with your ideals, it almost doesn’t matter who you’re dealing with. We are all complex beings, and have wider character spectrums than any single observer can grasp. Let me give you a concrete example of how differently one person can behave based on the expectations influencing them:
One evening, early in our friendship, we visited a restaurant. As we handed in our coats, we both reached out to take the coat check ticket. X quipped, “I’ll hold onto it, you might just lose it.” I didn’t take it personally (if I had had the same experiences as him, I might have said the same thing). However, I requested our coats be hung on separate hangers, “so that I wouldn’t have to wait if he got stuck in a skirt at the bar and wasn’t ready when I felt like leaving.” X gave me a “you’re being so difficult…” look but said it was fine and that I could take this shared ticket.
Three hours later, it was time to move on. I pulled my wallet from my purse, handed over the ticket (which I always keep in the same compartment), and collected our coats in my usual time: 10 seconds. X couldn’t stop talking about how smoothly it went for the entire ride to the next venue! 😀 Once there, we partied on until he suggested heading to another spot. Fine by me, but first I wanted to swing by my place and grab some makeup and other essentials. I held out my hand for cab fare (which should naturally be provided by the gentleman) and guess what he handed me? His credit card! Yep, the guy who believed, and still believes, that women aren’t smarter than an average chicken, barely able to keep track of a coat check ticket, had no issues with me taking off with his Amex!
What’s the takeaway here? That you’re always treated in accordance with YOUR OWN self-perception, regardless of the stereotypes or assumptions tied to your gender, race, religion, social class, hair color, or whatever else.
My personal view on men and relationships
I understand that nothing is as convincing as personal experience, but I still want to try and make you 100% certain that your dream can become your reality. As soon as you start seeing yourself as a high-quality woman, you will have access to an abundance of gentlemen who meet that same high standard, and of course, to that one extra super special person. I’m so confident in this that even when I’m single, I still feel loved and desired — which means I’m seldom single and always “lucky” enough to meet men who treat me like a princess and support my ambitions. Even my exes have made it a point to ensure our breakup was as smooth as possible, both emotionally and financially.
What did I do to deserve such privileges? Nothing — in the active sense of the word. I have never demanded, criticized, threatened, or manipulated to get something from my partner. I have simply been myself, whom I believe to be an attractive, intelligent, and pleasant person. I just feel that it’s the most natural thing in the world to be treated like the lovable being I am.
In addition, I have immense appreciation for men and love spoiling them just as much as they spoil me. Being best friends is crucial, but I never forget that I’m also the woman in the relationship. Life would be so dull if we didn’t embrace and celebrate our own gender by contrasting with our partner. It’s in my nature to be playful and spontaneous, to embrace receiving and to cherish the beauty of everything around me. Of course, men can and do exhibit these traits too. However, male energy leans more towards assertiveness, taking the lead, providing, and showing strength and protection. When these complementary energies come together, there’s a harmonious balance that creates a dynamic and fulfilling relationship. I love being a real woman, and that attracts men who love being real men.
But here’s the paradox: beneath the surface, we’re all the same. These delightful contrasts exist just to make the game more enjoyable. We may express ourselves differently, but at our core, we’re fueled by the exact same thing: LOVE. That’s why I wrote point 3 at the beginning of this guide. Don’t view men as if they were a different species; they are much more similar to you than you realize. Your only task is to find something to appreciate. When you are in harmony with who you are, you attract others who are in harmony with who they are, regardless of gender. The relationship experience between two people, each resonating with the high frequency of love, far exceeds the simple sum of 1 + 1. We’re talking soul-level resonance. If that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is. 😊
